How to tell if someone is worth your trust


How to actually tell if someone worth your trust? How to avoid wasting time with wrong people that can betray your trust? This test applies not only to romantic relationships but also to friendships and especially relationships between relatives. To have a healthy relationship and make sure the person worth your trust, there are only 3 conditions that need to be met. For any person that you are trying to assess, ask the following questions:

  1. How does this person treat YOU? This is not just about how he or she makes you feel but whether the treatment includes the highest level of respect and care for you.
    1. Does this person always considers how you feel, your values and priorities when talking or dealing with you?
    2. Does this person make you feel safe?
    3. Do you feel any barriers intuitively when trying to share information with this person – for example, is it easy for you to share bad news about yourself with this person? How about good news? Do they react in the way that makes you want to share more or less? For example, when it comes to people I do not trust, my instincts tell me not to share significant news, good or bad. Even if the person is closely related to me. Pay attention to your intuition – what does it tell you?
    4. Does this person put you above others/similar level to others? For example, when you are going through something, does this person consider your circumstances and gives you what you need (e.g., space, emotional support, etc.) or does this person disregard how you feel and prioritises the needs of others?
    5. Even if this person treats others close to you with respect and love, does the same respect or love apply to you?
  2. Only if the person in question ‘passed’ the first question, we move out to the next: How does this person treat others? Because the chances are, if you argue or have a conflict, this person will treat you in the same way they treat others – if they gossip about others, they will gossip about you; if they complain about others they will complain about you, and so on…
  3. If the person treats you with respect and care, and also treats others nicely we move to Question 3: What kind of values does this person have? Do they match your own?
    1. When it comes to values, it is more important than the personality. You can have opposite personalities and like completely different things but your values will bring you together. Below are some examples of values that need to match:
      1. What are your priorities – what is important to you?
      2. Values that are relevant have something to do with politics, religion and beliefs about the gender rights and responsibilities, sometimes also including beliefs about racism, sexism, inclusion. This is especially important if you are a woman and looking for a partner who would be a bread winner – if your beliefs about gender roles do not match, you will experience conflicts. Some men have radical beliefs about what is appropriate for woman to do – for example, in Turkmenistan they are banning all women to not just receive education but even apply makeup or take a taxi without a man.
      3. Do they believe that parents are always right or have the higher standing then the kids? Or the other way around? Or are they equal? This one is one of the most popular points of contention in my family where most issues come from this principle, and obligations that occur based on this principle – e.g., are kids always expected to ‘serve’ their older members of the family? Or is obligation to facilitate relationship with their kids comes from the parents? When kids grow up, do they become equal to parents or will they always be treated as below them?
      4. When /if you say that ‘family’ is important to you, what do you mean? For example, for someone, it can mean that THEIR family such as their immediate parents will be prioritized over romantic relationship. For others it can mean that anyone who is related to them including distant relatives will always receive help from them even if it means putting their own relationship at the back burner. Yet for others, it means that the family they will form with you will be prioritized. And of course, there is a ‘Fast and Furious kind of family’…

So when all 3 questions receive favourable response we can consider other qualities about the person such as who they are, their personality, what they achieved and so forth. More often then not, when women meet a man they focus on other points: how someone looks, how much they make, are they successful in their career…A man can be all that and yet also disrespectful towards the woman he is dating even if he is nice and kind to his mother and puppies. But the first 3 points are the most important!

The same principles apply to family – they can be your parent or grandparent but if they always put others above you or consider problems of other relatives (e.g., your sibling) more important than your own, then they do not worth your trust. And what to do in this case – keep relationship but fight for your rights or stop the communication altogether is up to you. Based on my experience, I can say that if you have to spend time and energy convincing someone that you are important and your needs matter, this person is waste of your time. Because the people that truly love you (whether romantic relationships, friends or relatives) will do it right from the start. I have not seen many examples where someone would not treat the other person with respect and love but after some ‘convincing’ they began to see the person and really pay attention to their needs. Once people made their mind it is hard to change it. Your heart matters – share it with the right people that deserve your time!

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