When browsing relationship-related articles, this thought almost never occurs to most people. When it comes to relationships, there are resources and questions to explore on romantic relationships, relationships with family, relationships with friends, coworkers, maybe even pets.

However, the relationship with ourselves is a central relationship in our life because it impacts the relationships we have or will have with anyone else. For example, if my relationship with myself is in a bad state, it might cause me to be more irritated or annoyed with others as now I tend to project my unhappiness with myself on other people. Self-care is important but it is not the same thing, self-care is how you deal with your problems and keep yourself supported mentally and physically, but if your relationship with yourself is bad or complicated, it will impact the kind of self-care you do, how effective it would be or whether it will occur at all.

How to tell what relationship you have with yourself? Obviously, it is more complicated then simply being ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Here are some considerations to look at to help you determine the state of current relationship with yourself and where might be some room for improvement:

1. What do you tell yourself during the stressful times? Is the voice in your head judges you, criticizes you, tells you encouraging or supportive things or just tell you to ignore how you feel and keep pushing forward?
2. What do you tell yourself when someone mistreats you? Does the voice in your head tell you it is not a big deal, is it a bad time/place to address it with the person right now, to react aggressively and fight back or to speak up right then and there?
3. Do you focus on your physical health – control that what you eat energizes and is good for your both physical and mental state, making sure you move enough, making sure you get the right skin care or if something hurts you make sure to address it, e.g. by booking a doctors’ appointment?
4. Can you stand up for yourself or do you avoid conflict? This includes not only when someone challenges you but also when someone is making you uncomfortable or does something that frustrates you or prevents you from doing things you need/want. For example, I was raised on the belief that my discomfort is not as important so if it means speaking up and making other people do something or not do something, it is better to do nothing because I should not burden other people with my needs. It took me awhile to change how I was. Even at work, if someone was doing something or saying something I did not like, learning to speak up and tell this person not do it took a lot of effort from me, but once I did it, the sky did not fall and the person actually apologized and adjusted their behaviour. It felt very liberating. Avoiding conflict despite you feeling uncomfortable or frustrated will not make you feel better – in fact, it will frustrate you on 2 dimensions instead of one – you will continue feeling frustrated/uncomfortable because of the initial issue, and now you will continue feeling stressed about not addressing the issue by feeling frustrated with yourself. Avoiding a conflict is like allowing the water to run in closed sink and waiting for it to flood your appartment instead of getting up and shutting down the water. It is painful and unnecessary.
5. Are you in touch with how you feel? At any point of time, can you identify your emotions and how you feel and why? Being aware of this would help you control your actions – are you eating sugary things because you feel stressed about the situation at home? Once you can identify how you feel and establish linkages to your behaviour you can begin to control both your actions and your emotions better. For example, I used to react immediatelly at work, sometimes by getting into arguments that may not have worth it. I had so much to do and so little time that I would literally not to take any breaks except for lunch (and sometimes only for 30 minutes) out of 8 hour workday. What happened was that I did not have any mental breaks to breathe and assess before reacting to another issue, that might have resulted in some bad advice (part of my work involves providing strategic advice to senior management). Think about potential impacts this can have not just on my coworkers or my career but on things I recommend to do. I work in civil service and luckily not in charge on any ‘red buttons’ to start a nuclear strike, but it does not mean my bad advice, caused by bad mood cannot have implications. Whether it is the services that government provides, relationships between departments or effectiveness of what government delivers, there are lots of potential to ruin things if one lets their emotions take control.
6. Do you do something as a distraction from facing your problems or emotions? This can be your hobbies, going out, what or how you drink or eat, or even physical exercices. Any healthy habit can be negative if the reason for doing it is wrong. For example, you are following a healthy diet. On surface it may sound good, but if your reason for doing is the fear of aging, serious diseases, death etc. then this activity is not addressing your mental state – in fact, it would feed into the fantasy that the moment you stop eating healthy or allow yourself to have a cake you will have negative consequences – and this is really damaging to your psyche.
7. Do you reflect about your thoughts and feelings? Doing occasional journaling does help to have a better control of your emotions and allow you to see patterns and linkages between what you do, why you do it and how you feel. This will also help you develop control over your life if you are unhappy with any aspect of it.
8. What does the voice in your head tell you when you accomplish something? Whether it is a big or small win, does your inner voice celebrate it with you, make you feel proud and stop to smell the roses, or does it tell you it is still not enough or the win is not big enough to appreciate? Or do you focus on getting a sense of approval from someone else – letting them control how you feel based on their approval? Or is it about competing with someone else – yes, you got a promotion but your sister also got a raise and a proposal? The only competition you suppose to have is with yourself.
9. When no one else is there to support you, do you show up for yourself? Do you make yourself do things that might be scary but you know are right because they are in line with your values? Do you make yourself do things that are good for you even if no one else is there to cheer you up?
10. Do you let yourself rest? This applies both to physical and mental rest. I am talking about taking breaks, vacations, meditating, taking yourself on walks, doing something fun and relaxing that you like and that energizes you. Remember, you need to put yourself first because no one else will or should not. It is our duty to look after ourselves so we can be the best version of ourselves not only to have the best life but also to be there for people we love.
11. Do you do things that are good for you fundamentally? I am talking about the choices you make related to your relationships, career, where and how you live, your finances. Are they aligned with what you want from life and what kind of person you want to become? At some point of our lives we all face choices that would fundamentally impact a lot, for example whome to marry. Doing things for the wrong reasons (and making someone else other than you happy or out of fear or convenience are reasons that are not good enough) will backfire sooner or later.
12. Do you always try to improve yourself and your life? If you have a growth mindset, that is, you believe you have control over your life and that if you put enough effort you can achieve anything then your life quality would reflect that.
13. Are you honest with yourself? This is not just about the feelings, are you honest with yourself about who you are and who you want to be, what you like or actually enjoy doing, what you find interesting, what you want and how? Every relationship is based on honesty and trust, including the one with yourself – if you lie to yourself about what drives you or what your goals are, it will impact how you feel about yourself.