I used to have conflicting feelings – when, on one side I knew I felt good about who I was, my life and my achievements, but on the other side I was self-conscious, anxious, doubting myself and my decisions and generally feeling low. At first, it was too complex to make sense of but as I started reflecting more I realized that a lot of my negative feelings and emotions would come after I would socialize with toxic people in my life. In fact, most people that surrounded me were actually toxic towards me. It does not mean that I was perfect or took no responsibility for my life, it actually worked the other way around – it did not matter how much I worked on myself and my life, the moment toxic people would appear in my life it would be like dementors showing up – sucking up all the joy and leaving sadness and negative feelings behind.

So what are the signs of someone who is toxic? See the checklist below:

• Tell them any good news about yourself and watch them react. Let’s say you got a diploma in something. Are they geniuenly happy for you or do they just say something they think you want to hear without matching emotions and move on to a different topic? Or do they dismiss your achievements or big news like they do not matter? Or do they tell you about their own news or problems without validating what you said? Or do they compare you to other people who might have achieved more things and faster? Either of these scenarious will make you feel unappreciated.
• Do they come in contact with you only when it it is convenient for them or when they need something from you?
• Do they assume how you feel before you have a chance to say it and then begin treating you a certian way based on this assumption? For example, you share just some updates that happened in your life that might made you feel empowered and they already assume you are a ‘victim’, and based on that they start telling you how sorry they are for your situation. I find being in this situation very triggering, and even they do not mean no harm, this behaviour is still toxic.
• They make you feel less than others. They might treat you differently then others to the point that you feel that you have less rights then others. They might be comparing you with othets where you always lose. They might apply higher standards to you then to others or it might be harder for you to get quality time with them comparing to them spending their time with other people.
• They criticize and judge you in most situations. They never on your side.
• They do not consider your needs or feelings. Regardless of situation, your convenience, plans or even personal values or beliefs that might be at odds with what they are asking of you are simply not part of their consideration. They simply do not think of them as important enough to be considered.
• They always ask and expect more of you to do for them then what they want to do for you. It is always uneven.
• They have rules that apply only to you. For example, it might be your birthday but they will refuse to buy/eat cake because they are “off sweets”. Howhever, next time you see them on a regular day with someone else, they will be eating sweets like there is no tomorrow. Again, this is very basic example.
• They can tell you anything negative about what you did wrong but you cannot tell them anything about their behaviour. If you do they act like a) it never happened b) you are the trouble maker who steers things for no reason c) they play deaf and blind and start avoiding you d) they make you the bad person for bringing it up and make you the villan e) they do not understand what happened f) they tell you that you str overreacting or too sensative. In either of these scenarios, there will always be two constant themes: they refuse to take accountability and accept that they did something wrong that made you feel bad and they will not agree that they need to fix it/do something about it.
• After meeting or talking with them you never feel good about yourself. You might feel good about the time you spent if you did anything fun but at the same time you would not feel appreciated or feel like something is missing.
• They try to control what you do or do not do and how you should be doing it. It is always tied to their short term or long term benefits. It might not be obvious to you at this point but they will be winning the most by having you do certain things.
• They do not trust you. They will not share any personal details, their feelings, dreams or hopes with you as a true friend would. They might share some information with you but it will always be tied to some outcome they want from you. For example, you may not hear from them about their childhood but they will share how ‘lonely’ they would feel by taking a bus so you give them a ride.
• In all these scenarios there are few ongoing themes: they do not see and respect you as your own person who knows how to make decisions and how to live their life. In all of these examples, they do not put your needs, happiness and comfort first or even allow them to be on the same level of importance as their own. Which means that by continuing communicating and being in any kind of relationship with this person, you will always lose. Because the only way for toxic people to remain in your life is for you to lose pieces of yourself or downplay your needs to have their needs met. They will never downplay their needs more than once.
• Therefore, think twice about having or keeping them in your life, especially after you bring their toxicity up to them and they still refuse to change. People can always change for people they love, which means that the toxic people will not change for someone they do not think is worth it. This will lead to all the negative feelings I mentioned in the beginning of the post, leaving you feeling less than. With toxic people you might win a battle but you will never win a war. Put your mental health first and move on, surround yourself with people that appreciate and love you. Removing one toxic person from your life feels liberating, you will feel good about yourself and it is the best way of taking care of your mental health, and no amount of spa visits and procedures can compare to this. The people who love you will find a way back to your life by changing for you as a way to show how important you are to them. And while toxic people who do not care for you might get upset with you at first, they will prove their toxicity later by showing that it is not about you and your needs but about them. In which case, it is their loss anyways.