My husband and I recently had a family event and had my brother in-law attending. All of a sudden he started not feeling well and had shortness of breath. As we asked him for other symptoms we realized he was having a panic attack caused by anxiety. It was a quiet close family gathering, the lights were dim and nothing was happening that could provoke it. And yet here he was, being extremely stressed.

After he left (he did feel better at the end after some calming tea and aromatherapy), we started discussing what could have driven him to this point. This is where we discovered a pattern that connected every case including personal experience of what could cause a panic attack. The common reason was feeling lack of control. In the case of my brother in law, he works part time contract job, lives with his parents (he is over 30) that kind of micromanage him and also has a girlfriend who also calls the shots. In every aspect of his life, someone else is in control. No wonder he had anxiety episodes!

Whenever I had anxiety episodes, the same pattern would appear – in some aspect of my life I had no control. For example, last year I was working at a stressful job where, despite the title that required leadership, I was having none. I was given assignments that were doomed to fail, I was given no control how to execute them and then I was regularly blamed for the outcome. It took 6 months for me before my nervous system began protesting. By 10th month I had to go on stress leave.

Sadly, often when people are experiencing anxiety attacks, the system targets the symptoms rather than the cause. It is always about calming down right now rather than addressing what is causing it. When sharing anxiety symptoms with my doctor, I was not suggested to target the root cause (find another job/change circumstances to get back into control). Instead, my doctor wondered if I wanted a prescription for antidepressants. As tempting as it is, they are a Band-Aid solution. Sometimes, of course, you need both – medication and change.

If you want to fully be on the other side of the anxiety, begin changing your circumstances. Get in control. And this is what will make you sleep better and feel better. You can start small but do something. When I took the stress leave I had a lot of guilt – how will my team be without me? How about all the work priorities and deadlines? But I got to the point where something needed to change if I wanted to function again. I would wake up angry and by lunchtime I had no energy and was mentally exhausted. Nothing mattered anymore. My first day off was like a breath of fresh air. I walked mindlessly through the mall, just trying to notice where I am right now without being rushed or criticized. As I have a toddler at home, my anxiety at work did not get resolved at home where I was working a different kind of shift – providing non-stop care to my daughter who was going from 1 to 2 years at that time and was not sleep trained, wanted to be held when I was trying to eat any meal, and doing other fun things that toddlers do. So taking a break was mandatory.

However, what really helped to address my anxiety was taking action. Making a decision to find another job and leave. Every job application, every networking meeting, every interview was like throwing rocks in the river trying to create a bridge. Eventually after all these “rocks” a bridge was formed and I crossed to the other side by finding another job. It took me 2 months in a new job before I stopped having anxiety. But it gets better.

Anxiety has different forms and shapes and one interesting observation I have is that it can start from not being to sleep at night. Physically, from all the stress and nervous system being constantly on high alert sensing danger. Mentally, from all unresolved issues, wrong choices or general dissatisfaction with life. Whatever it is, you can start changing your life today. Regardless of where you are in life or your age or circumstances. The power and control to change lies with you.