I think we hear about relationship standards only after something bad occurs first, like a conflict, previous bad relationship or an ex getting into prison. Meanwhile, having standards for your relationships is not a bad thing and it should not be based on some lesson learned. Ideally, we should all have standards for our relationships because it is a healthy way of doing things.

First of all, when I talk about relationship standards what I refer to is acts, behaviours and even language that I will and will not tolerate based on how I treat and respect myself. If I see myself in a positive light, I will have healthy (average?) standards, if I love myself too much, my standards can be very high and unreasonable.

If I have a bad relationship with myself and I look at the person I am dating to validate me and make me happy, then not only my standards for that relationship will be low or non existent, I will also give that person the keys to my self esteem. And this is the worst thing you can do because then you can completely lose control over your sense of self.

Having said that, I believe that, in ideal world, if I see myself as I am, with all my weaknesses and strenghts, I also respect and love myself and expect anybody I date to do the same. Having dated someone better or worse before is completely irrelevant here. Who this person is that I am currently dating/in relationship with is also irrelevant. They can be billionaires or homeless, presidents or help staff and so forth – it has nothing to do with how they treat me. If they are a decent person they will automatically respect me because this is how decent people function.

If you read about relationship standards and feel like arguing that it is not right, most likely you eithet not being treated right but do nothing about it, and/or you were hurt or wronged by your parents if you think people should not have standards and relationships “just happen”.

I am not trying to offend you, but I do know that I used to have a very strong reaction to having any relationship standards and only later I realized that it was due to the fact that I did not have any boundaries established. No boundaries with anybody – parents, friends, romantic partners etc. Anyone could do anything or say anything to me and it depended on their level of upbringing. However, it was not fair to me and instead of speaking up and establishing boundaries, I would just accept bad treatment and have it negatively impact my self esteem, how I saw myself, what I thought I deserved. Bad treatment is like a flowing river – today you allow your date to criticize you in a toxic way and tomorrow you do not want to spend money on yourself because you feel you do not deserve it and you don’t even know why. This needs to stop.

Break the cycle by being the first person to love and respect yourself. Do not let anyone else define your sense of self worth. Establish, communicate and enforce your boundaries and standards every time. And do not settle. Everyone deserves to be loved and respected.