There are two types of attention we can give and receive – positive and negative. An example of a positive attention can be encouragement, empathy, active listening, giving advice or buying gifts. We show negative attention by shouting, criticizing, making fun of, judging and so forth. In other words, we project positivity through positive attention and negativity through negative attention.

There is a hierarchy of attention that we can give or receive:

1. Positive attention (I love and care for you, what you are saying or doing matters and I will show you how)

2. Neutral acknowledgement (I recognize or respect you)

3. Basic attention (I acknowledge your existence/you are interesting/you are entertaining)

4. Negative attention (you are bothering me/I find you irritating etc.)

5. No attention at all (I am ignoring you/you do not exist for me)

Naturally, most of us want attention from the people that matter to us, such as parents, family, friends or significant others. However, when we think about the attention we would like to get, we usually imagine a positive kind of attention. What gets confusing when we are in our teenage years is the kind of attention we get – and sometimes negative attention still counts as the attention. For example, a teenager who does not get enough (but the right kind of attention) from his parents may get a rebeleous haircut or a tattoo in hopes to get any attention from the parents, confusing any kind of attention as a sign of care.

However, if we want to improve the relationships we have, we better give positive attention (1, 2 and 3). Instead, many of us carry unresolved conflicts, dissapointment or frustration that we start projecting onto others as negative attention.

It is also possible that the frustration is not coming from me (i.e. I am not frustrtated or angry with myself) but from my experience of dealing with a specific person, e.g. if my expectations are not met. Technically, it is still the attention but it does not leave either side feel warm or fuzzy inside. It does not mean we do not love someone if we give them negative attention – we all have those days when we are tired or annoyed. But if we constantly give only negative attention then the person on the receiving end will not feel loved or even respected. And they will start building feelings of resentment and will be paying back with the same kind of negative attention or maybe no attention at all, resulting in the relationship getting worse over time.

The moral of the story is: try being conscious about the kind of attention you give to the people that matter to you and try maximizing positive attention if you want to enhance relationships. Positive attention starts by focusing on positive parts of the relationship and the person in question. Try doing or saying something to get them to smile. Focus on the person you are talking to and imagine how you make them feel about themselves, your relationship when they talk to you. Because this will impact how they see you as well.

If you feel frustrated or upset with another person, a healthier way would be talking to them about this issue directly instead of being passive agressive and giving them negative attention instead.

For example, if you are upset with your husband for not giving you attention and you start getting critical and annoyed with him instead of telling him directly what is bothering you, his reaction will also be negative. He is not reading your mind but only reacting at the energy you are giving off, and if it is negative energy he will start thinking that you are the negative person or that you are being mean to him for no reason. That is why the best way to address issues is to learn to talk and listen and avoid being passive agressive.

The reason why we do not want to continue staying in negative zone is because the memories of negative attention received will pile up and replace your reality – and soon you will only see this person in a negative light. This is why many relationships break. If you want to preserve and enhance the relationships you have, then focus on giving positive attention that will result in positive energy exchange and will create positive memories, improving your relationship.