I was reading some information about myself the other day on the app called the Pattern (highly recommend, it is like a mix of psychology and horoscopes but customized for you). One of the things the app said about me based on my horoscope analysis was the fact that I may be not who I think I am. In other words, growing up I might have absorbed my environment and developed my identity around what I thought my environment told me to be but it is not real me.

Here is an interesting thought: how do we know who we really are? If I was to remove all the context, culture, family beliefs, all the media and other influences, what will I find about me?

Here are some ways to unwrap our identity and separate it from the identity we assumed based on our upbringing:

1. What hobbies, music and topics do you naturally gravitate towards? When you are by yourself, walking in the nature or look at the night sky – what do you think about? Think about your immediate ideas and then ask – if I remove the influences, will I still be interested? For example, I was looking for a show to watch today and I picked the history of the Second World War. However, after watching it for 10 minutes it felt like work. Then I asked myself – is it really me who was interested in it? My grandparents were 6 years old when the war started, it was my father who was very interested in this topic and who would always tell me about it. In a way, I picked the show  because this is something the old me would do to have something to discuss with my father. I felt it was not me personally being interested in the show, but it was a part of me seeking appreciation from others. Then I asked myself – what do I really want to learn for myself? And it was history but of a different time period.

2. Values: what do you really believe in? What if you were told your relationships will not be impacted by your beliefs and values, would you have something to add then? For example, I might have a “public” identity at work where I choose to show beliefs that are commonly accepted (e.g. that I believe in democracy while I could be a monarchist at heart).  I am not saying we should pick something extreme but if you are trying to get to know yourself it might be worth to take the time and think about what values and beliefs feel true to you. Your real values also come to you when you try to teach others.

3. What is it that you really want to do, experience, see? If you did not have the noise of daily routine, tasks, work, meal planning, bills paying and so forth, what will you be doing? To answer this question you may need to meditate several times before it comes to you. I grew up having a group of friends that I would hang out with every weekend, and then when I was in early 20s we had an argument and stopped communicating. Suddenly, there was a vacuum, a moment of silence – no hourly text messages, no weekend plans, no news or drama. Then I thought about what I wanted to do for a long time but always got distracted – writing. I started writing because all this noise was gone and I had the time to figure out what I like to do.

4. Who are you? How do you define yourself? If you asked different people to define you, will you get different answers and will they be close to how you see yourself? For example, I know for a fact that even one group – my friends – will define me differently depending on where and when we met. Friends from childhood will see a different me than friends from high school or friends from work. I have changed since I grew up so their view of me can also be outdated. But a way to live authentically is to consider how do you see yourself and how others see you, and if there is a gap between the two, maybe it is time to change your life.

For example, I always identified myself as a writer at heart but no one around me would ever identify me as one, because a) I did not publish anything yet b) I did not talk about writing (I only talk about it with a handful of people) c) they never saw me writing or studying anything related to writing. This is when I realized that I had this misallignment between how I saw myself and how I spent my time. So it was not their fault – my identity was hidden so far that it was not really visible. Think about who you want to be or how you really see yourself and what kind of activities this ideal self would do.

5. If there was no one to impress, how would you dress, what would you talk about, what would you do? When we focus on others we distance ourselves from our inner self and can lose touch with ourselves. I obviously do not mean we need to completely disregard social norms but there are many ways for us to be ourselves that will make us happier. For example, at one point I got so career focused that everything I wore including jewerly, was not me but a way to impress someone else, other than me. It was not comfortable, it did not give me energy and just felt like additional work. I guess this is how models feel when they wear something that is not them. It literally drains your energy. I also grew up being micromanaged regarding how and what to wear and I did not have a chance to develop my own taste until I was in mid 20s.

6. Relationships: assess your relationships and if you have them for the right reasons. Whether it is romantic relationship, friendship or family relations – are you staying in touch with people because you really like them or because you are trying to be good or seeking someone else’s approval? Relationships really impact us and our self esteem and it is also the fastest way to crash it if you have them for a wrong reason.